live to inspire

An old high school classmate struck up a chat with me on Facebook last night. He had recently graduated and was looking for work. He shared his worries over having possibly made a bad decision by going to university rather than a professional school to advance his career. He wondered where his life would take him from now on. 

So I asked him about his dreams. What he wanted out of life.

What he said was an answer that I often hear from people around me. It was rational. Sensible. Future-oriented and built around security over blind leaps of faith. I couldn’t help but wonder again and again, if that was all that there was to life. 

Life is what you make of it. But the pressures of the society in which we live and the relationships we have with the people we love can lead us to put our heart’s desires second to everyone around us. 

I feel this way, just like this old classmate of mine does. Just like each and every one of us does. And no one is blatantly pressuring me to live a certain way. They ultimately want me to be happy (whether or not their idea of happiness coincides with mine is another question). Security and consistency is the warm blanket we wrap ourselves in, often disguising as ‘happiness’.

The uncertain future ahead of me is a blank canvas, which both excites and terrifies me. Probably more the latter at the moment. I feel constrained because I know what I want out of life, but have the need to consider the financial and comfort aspects in the choices I make. I’m holding onto the blanket of home life tightly, not completely ready to let go. But I know that this life doesn’t make me happy.

No one is pressuring me yet everyone is. I feel like I have a need to explain what it is I will be doing after graduation when really, I just want to jump into it headfirst and see where it takes me. I don’t want to disappoint my family. But at the same time, I wish I could relinquish all these shackles off of me and just go do as I like without worrying about what everyone else will think of me.

I grew up with ‘horror stories’ of people my age who did nothing with their degrees and ended up going back to school. It was as if they were told to me to say that ‘stumbling through your academic and professional career is failing’. When really, it’s not. I know that.

I want to be alone. I want to run away to some far off land for a while with no expectations but the ones I have set for myself. Not the ones deemed by the environment I was raised in.   

But I’m so afraid to be alone. To burn bridges wherever I go. To wander forever solo. I want love and support like any other human being on this planet. But I long to be alone because I’m afraid of being rejected. 

I am at war with myself.

What do you live for?

Love.

If you know what you want out of life, then why do you look so empty?

I guess a string in me just broke.

Yesterday was rest day, so today was supposedly my run day but that didn’t happen because

a) Complete emotional breakdown for the first half of the day (better now though).

b) Got too excited about how to furnish new place and wondering why Friday can’t come sooner.

So it’s nearly midnight on Tuesday night and I didn’t go to class, do homework, or exercise.

But I did get emotional support from wonderful friends, submit an internship application into the interwebz, sign a homeowner’s contract for the first time ever, make hummus, delish chili and scrumptuous protein-packed oatmeal, and start making DIY decoration crafts.

I think that’s pretty productive in a change-of-pace way. :) 

I’ll still do some oblique V-ups and planks before bed though. I’ll add a good run and thorough weight training for tomorrow morn’.

The world we live in expects each and every one of us to hold it together. Weakness is not to be tolerated. I think that this goes against our very humanity. We are not stoic creatures who have everything figured out but emotional lumps of flesh and bone that question our very being with every breath we take on this earth. And that’s okay.

Society tells us its not. It separates us from one another by putting up masks of ‘normalcy’ and ‘be a man’ attitude. It’s not okay to cry. It’s not okay to break down once in a while. If you do, you have failed.

Sometimes, I wish I could just not have everything held together in a tight glue. I wish that during those vulnerable times when I’m bawling my puffy eyes out with mucus running down my nose, that I can have someone there to just hold me. They wouldn’t say anything because it’s not words of comfort or advice I’m looking for. Just another human’s warm embrace to show me that, for a moment, I’m not alone trying to hold up a strong front all the time to the rest of the world. To show me that, someone accepts and loves me as the emotional mess that I am - as we all are.

In today’s age, strength is not to be emotionless. Strength is being able to be at your most vulnerable and being okay with it.

“So, what’s your secret?”

Although I’ve never experienced this phenomenon myself, every time I encounter a ‘Before’ vs ‘After’ photo of someone who got off the couch and became fit, this is the question I always see pop up. And somehow, even though we all know the answer (eating healthy and exercising regularly), we somehow still manage to ask this question again and again.

Why is that? When faced with two images strikingly different from one another, it’s easy to think that all those pounds shedded off like a snake shedding its second skin. You don’t see their sweat, their days when they felt like giving up, the hard work they put in each and every day. You don’t see the journey. You just see two images: Before and After. Instantaneous change. Perhaps because this comparison is so in our face, it’s easier to just jump to the following conclusion: “There must be this magic method that s/he made this happen.”

You see it everywhere: diet fads of all shapes and sizes, informercials advertising the latest GI cleanser or must-take-home exercise product. People want to have that magic method that will poof away the pounds. And if you look at the current state of our society, it’s not surprising. We are predisposed to purchase the fastest, most convenient products to enhance and better the quality of our day-to-day lives. We are not people, but consumers. Look at our full frozen meals ready after only 3 minutes in the microwave. Or how we can access a universe of information, connections (not to mention adorable cat photos) with a click of a computer mouse, sitting on our asses all day. Forget the computer, we can do all that on-the-go with our phones now too.

Now I’m not writing this to rant about how technology and the convenience of consumerism is terrible for us. Humans have expanded on technology to make huge advancements in history and it has bettered and made our lives much easier (think refrigeration, folks - that did wonders for food storage). But it is important to know that with all of these innovations, our lives become easier but we also tend to get lazier. We don’t need to do as much. So much of our lives is automated or up for a quick purchase solution that I think it’s so much more difficult now to get off our asses and work hard for something. We are so used to getting quick, easy results that the long road of hard work and effort seems so much longer than it probably was in the past.

Exhibit A: the healthy lifestyle fallout. Weeks or maybe months may go by without seeing visible results in fitness or physique. And that’s super discouraging. Every day is an uphill battle. Friends and family might not be supportive. Where’s the grand After image?

I feel like my generation is a bit worse off because we’re not used to taking things slow. We want results now more than ever. More importantly, I think we start out with less faith in ourselves to accomplish something without any assistance from most of our conveniences in life. And I’m not just talking about healthy E&E anymore. This struggle pertains a big portion of our lives in the pursuit of our dreams and passions. 

Let me elaborate. A good part of me is absolutely terrified of graduating from university. The campus and my classes were my safe havens in this large and unpredictable world - even when I was abroad. I knew I had something to go back to. Something certain. And now with graduation, that certainty is completely out the window. I have many dreams and passions. I know what I want to take out of life. But I am so afraid that with time - and the many struggles with money and jobs to come - that stars that I can see shine so bright, promising a happy tomorrow will appear a little dimmer. I’m afraid that the desire for a comfortable, secure life will outweigh the life I’ve always wished to live. Because the former is convenient. The latter is a rough and winding road. 

It’s just like with healthy living. I wonder what my family will think - if they will be supportive. I’ll start in an internship or a low-paying job that interests me greatly but as I lay awake at night, I’ll wonder just where it will take me. I’ll worry I can’t do it. I already do. 

You look at all the ‘successful’ people out in the world. And when I mean ‘successful’ - I mean people who are out there doing what they love. You hear their stories. But it’s back at the Before and After image again. Back to the big question: “What’s your secret?” And the answer is the same: hard work and determination. There is no magic method.

So this is it! Another intricate layer to pursuing a healthier lifestyle. Getting fit. It’s practice. If you want to get at something, you have to practice. So I’m going to practice walking through the long and rocky road of hard work through healthy E&E because I know that it will help me focus on a much more difficult trail ahead of me. One called ‘living the dream’. Not taking any shortcuts and not escaping the easy way when things get hard. 

See, there really is no Before and After photo that can sum up any one person.  If you really want to see how someone achieves something, then grab a video camera and some popcorn. It’s going to be a long movie.

1. My business in life is to wander… with my head, my heart, and my feet.
2. I adore telling stories. My fingers are itching to write again.
3. I want my body as strong and fit to follow through with my thriving passions.
4. I have always been a water creature.
5. I don’t love myself completely at the moment. I am working once again to change that.
6. I have loved and lost twice and it has only made me stronger.
7. Sometimes its good to plan. But sometimes, a lack of one is even better. Things have a way of working out.
8. I fear I will never really fit anywhere or with anyone. But those I love and care about at present are the most precious people in the world to me. They make a home for me when I feel homeless.
9. I am a child at heart. This means that I can very much childish, but it also allows me to experience the world with the utmost enthusiasm and incredulity.
10. Everything in this world is fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. So there is no point in taking anything for granted. I aspire to cherish every moment with anyone and anything as if tomorrow would be our last.

We should live our lives as a series of precious moments.

(Source: siber-i-a)

(Source: hellisblue)

Countless past classmates of mine have graduated from university. 

My high school clarinet buddy celebrated her first wedding anniversary.

An old friend from middle school is pregnant with a baby boy.

My co-worker and colleague died tragically five months ago.

Many of my friends are looking to find their own places.

Another is working in the States.

And I am across the world studying abroad in Norway, soon to continue in India.

The sun is shining outside. There is a cool breeze that rustles my bedroom curtains. My room is in a semi-cluttered state as it has always been. So much of today is like any other day, yet it isn’t. 2012 is only just about half finished and yet so much has happened. So much is about to. And I haven’t a clue what it’s in store for me and for those in my life.

People live. People die. They fall in love, work, and travel. This happens every day. And although it seems all perfectly normal, it’s not.

No day is perfectly ordinary.

Swimming. Kayaking. A picnic out on the water. A gorgeous Norwegian sunset. A roaring camp fire with stories of travel. Wine. Skinny dipping. Spooning under a pile of blankets  outside - slowly lulled to sleep by the pitter patter of raindrops.

There’s nothing quite like camping with good company.